Knowing this, Casey gave me some wonderful books for mothers day this year. "I am a Mother" by Jane Clayson Johnson and "A mothers book of secrets" by Linda Eyre and Shwni Eyre Pothier. Both are excellent books which I would definitely recommend. They are easy reads and they helped me to realize that I need to give myself a break sometimes and just enjoy the moment instead of thinking about all the things that I can and should do better. Because the more I spend time thinking about those things the more I realize that my deepest fear is that I will FAIL as a Mother. And not just kind of fail but fail miserably! I'm sure all parents feel this way at different times in their lives. But I found myself so consumed with the thought that I was going to fail that I think sometimes that anxiety has made my parenting even worse.
Before I had children, success as a parent meant to me that each child would grow up as the most perfect version of themselves. That they would be kind and loving, respectful, responsible, and everyone's best friend. That they would have self confidence and morals, integrity and a relationship with our Father in Heaven that was so in tune with the spirit that they would never make a bad choice. They would all grow in the gospel and serve missions, marry in the temple and have their own beautiful children free of heart ache and struggle. HA!
The thing that I didn't understand before I had children was how HARD it was going to be. Sure, I knew it was going to be hard but NOT THIS HARD. And of course it's hard because all things that are worth anything ARE hard. They challenge us and force us to grow and learn and stretch us to the edge of breaking, but that's how we learn and it's the ONLY way to get back to our Father in Heaven which, for me, IS the goal.
Of course I still want all those things for my children but I now understand that those things don't come without a price. I do want my children to be good, trustworthy, honest, loving people but I don't want them to breeze through life without pain, heart ache and struggle because those growing pains are required for us to learn and re learn. I have to let them make choices and also deal with the consequences of those choices. (that's the hard part)
I can't be their "savior" and shelter them from heartache because I would also be keeping them from becoming who they can and will be.
Maxwell said to me a couple of weeks ago "Mom, I wish I could stay 7 forever!" And in that moment I wanted it too, but then the thought occurred to me that we grow up so we can experience life, make mistakes and keep making them until we learn from them and that's the ONLY way to reach our ultimate goal of eternal families and to live in the presence of God.
I was talking with a dear friend the other day and venting about my daily frustrations as a mother. I was feeling so defeated that I said "Maybe I'm just not the right mother for these kids because I don't know how to parent them." and then the spirit whispered to me... And that's why YOU ARE their Mother, because they are here to teach you and stretch you and help you grow... tender mercies of the Lord.
Life with 5 children 7 and under has been busy, challenging and so rewarding. Each child brings so much love and so much sweetness to our home.
My house is more messy than it's ever been. I can't seem to stay on top of anything. There are always clean clothes on the couch that need to be folded, dishes in the dishwasher that need to be put away, toys to be picked up and beds to be made. Most days I'm living minute to minute trying to get through it some days not even having time to get myself showered and dressed. But through it all, with out fail, there are those moments that I want time to stand still. I want to savor the giggles and snuggles and excitement. I want the children to stay just the way they are in that moment forever. I want to remember the way their voices sound and the way their eyes shine when they laugh. I even want to remember the way their little lips quiver when they are sad... again, tender mercies of the Lord.
Being a mother is what I have ALWAYS wanted to be and now that I am, as hard as it is at times, it is THE BEST and most MEANINGFUL thing I will ever do. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am truly blessed to be an influence to and give guidance to these 5 AMAZING little people.
And though some days I would like to live Satan's plan and force them to choose the right, I know that I can't ;)... I can only pray with every breath that I will be worthy of the spirit so that I may know what they need individually at all times.
I know I've made mistakes and I'm going to keep on making them, but today I DON'T feel defeated... Today I AM what they need... Today, I AM their MOTHER and I am forever GRATEFUL that the Lord has enough confidence in me that he has entrusted these perfect little spirits to me knowing that I would mess up from time to time but also knowing that if I stay close to Him that He will make me worthy of the task and BLESSING of being their MOTHER!!!
